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(no subject) [Sep. 20th, 2009|01:26 am]
[Current Mood | morose]

"God has whispered in my heart, 'I love you and want to provide, protect and bless you.'  If I believe that to be true, then when I'm feeling unloved, unprotected, insecure and down I don't need to ask for His provision, protection and blessing.  I need only pray specifically about the obstacles that are preventing me from receiving His provision, protection and blessing." .... Dean Nordman.

He died a year ago on the 24th. Well technically the 25th. Either one.

I really miss him.
I miss his laugh.
I miss the way he looked at his wife.
I miss his silly masculinity.
I miss the way his eyes looked when he was so focused that he looked mad. Or mean.
I miss the way he'd gently explain when he wasn't mad. Or trying to be mean.
I miss his straight forward attitude.
I miss his lessons.

I wish I could talk to him about the place I'm in now.
About my obstacles
About how I don't think they're going anywhere any time soon.
He prayed so earnestly.

I miss the me he knew and loved.
She's here, just not like before.
I hid so much before he died.
I hope he knew I was hiding from myself
Not from him.
He would understand that.
He always understood the process.
I just wish I could have assured him.
I wish he could have seen me pull it together.
I haven't yet. But I will.

He would have gotten a kick out of my diaper business.
I can only imagine the smirk on his face.
Good grief I miss that face!

I used to save up my bad days.
They'd go in my mental Dean hug jar.
One hug and I felt better for all of them.
It got tricky when they moved.
Tricky, but no less effective.
Man I miss those hugs.



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eHarmony profile ^_^ [Jul. 9th, 2009|04:45 am]
[Current Mood | bouncy]

I dunno... I think it's interesting. Thought it was at least worth posting after the billions of hours spent filling out their questionnaire.

anyway, here are the results!


Agreeableness:

CONSISTENTLY TAKING CARE OF OTHERS

Words that describe you:

* Sympathetic
* Trusting
* Altruistic
* Selfless
* Tenderhearted
* Compassionate
* Straightforward
* Deferential
* Generous



A General Description of How You Interact with Others

"What can I do for you?" These words probably feel very natural to you. More than most people, you are genuinely interested in the well-being of others. If they are in trouble, you offer compassion and go out of your way to be helpful. If they need someone who will listen, you are attentive, trustworthy and sympathetic. And you are direct with them; when they need advice or counsel, you offer it in as straightforward and direct a manner as you can.

There may even be times when you put others' needs in front of your own. And you do so without the expectation of some reward or recognition. Yours is a different kind of compassion; you are genuinely tenderhearted and take pleasure in helping others while expecting little or nothing in return. For you, it's not tit-for-tat, you truly want to do things for others that will better their lives. You mean it when you ask, "What can I do for you?"

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You

Though your motives arise from genuine compassion, some people might think of you as "a little too good to be true." They could suspect that your kindness is something you use to ingratiate yourself with others or to get them to like you. Others may suspect that your altruism is a mask for your own problems; you take care of others but never let others get to know you well enough to offer you their care. Some of this suspicion may be genuine; they just can't believe you're this kind. But it may also be triggered by envy; people see in you a tenderheartedness they don't find in themselves, and it makes them uncomfortable so they take it out on you with their suspicions.

Another critical response others may have may be something you want to take a serious look at. If you spend your time taking care of others, you may not have enough left to take very good care of yourself. If you're always asking, "What can I do for you?", you may not focus enough on your own needs. You're so busy taking care of others that you neglect yourself and empty your reserves of energy and good health. Like we said, give it consideration and if it doesn't fit move on.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You

For the most part, people will feel gifted to come across someone like you. For those you help, you will be light in the darkness, a hand up when they've fallen into a ditch. Your true graciousness and selflessness is rather rare these days and is often a breath of fresh air in this all too often dog-eat-dog world. Others will see in you the kindness that each of us seeks in life, both in our own characters and in our relationships with others. And you will become a model of that honest compassion; someone others may even look up to. Hopefully that feels okay to you.



On the Openness Dimension you are:

SOMETIMES CURIOUS, SOMETIMES CONTENT


Words that describe you:

* Accepting
* Flexible
* Educated
* Self-aware
* Middle-of-the-road
* Proper
* Distinctive
* Indecisive
* Adaptable



A General Description of How You Approach New Information and Experiences

Like someone who can sleep comfortably on either side of the bed, you are equally at home with ideas and beliefs that you have held for a long time and with new ways of thinking and believing that grow out of your intellectual curiosity.

Your sense of who you are and what your place is in the world around you rests on values and principles that are the solid ground you walk upon. You've tested them, they work for you, and much of the time you are content to trust them, that is, until some provocative new idea slips in from a conversation, book or some flight of your active imagination. "Hmmmm. What's this. Never thought of it before." And off you go, exploring.

Since you love to learn, you've always been teachable; you absorb new information, which means you are well-educated in things that matter to you. Sometimes your intellectual exploring will lead you back to where you started; the "next new thing" proves too shallow or impractical to you. But once in a while a new idea or belief will dislodge you from the ground you've stood upon; it is so compelling and persuasive that you step away from the tried-and-true and embrace this notion that is brand new to you.

Because you hold both solid beliefs and are open to new ideas, you are accepting of other people and other ways of thinking and believing. You are flexible enough to listen to something new and different, or something outside of your comfort zone; if it works for you, you'll take it in, and if not, you'll let it go. In this sense, you know who you are: you are neither closed-minded nor wildly open-minded, but walk somewhere near the middle of the intellectual road.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward Your Style of Thinking

Not everyone will be thrilled by your flexible, middle-of-the-road ways of thinking and believing. A few people are so taken with flights of imagination into whatever is new that they might find your commitment to long-standing values and beliefs too confining, if not too boring. Oh well; so be it. They'll just have to be in free-flight without you.

Others are content with the ideas that have served them and their culture well; they're not excited by the prospect of moving on. And some people are afraid of new ways of thinking because they are somewhat fragile; they have trouble maintaining their current worlds and don't want someone like you, for instance pushing out the edges of their intellectual cosmos. So don't be surprised if your solid values sometimes make people distrust you as an explorer, or if your flexible and open mind sometimes gets you criticized by people who walk away from the very same explorations that you find refreshing.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You

Many others will find you trustworthy and therefore an attractive companion on the intellectual journey. They will appreciate the combination in you of open-mindedness and a commitment to the tried-and-true. In an intellectual climate sometimes dominated by the extremes of either wild innovation or dug-in traditionalism, your moderate views and your proper acceptance of a wide range of possibilities will be a distinctive and refreshing quality. Because you join your curiosity to strong foundational ideas and beliefs and practical solutions to problems, people will trust your occasional explorations into new territories to be reliable, and not "something new for newness sake".

You are accepting of others, flexible in your own intellectual commitments, well-informed in areas that matter to you, and comfortably aware of who you are and where you stand. This combination will make you a desirable companion on the intellectual journey for many, many people.


On Emotional Stability you are:

SOMETIMES STEADY, SOMETIMES RESPONSIVE

Words that describe you:

* Adaptable
* Engaged
* Able to Cope
* Passionate
* Perceptive
* Flexible
* Receptive
* Aware
* Avid


A General Description of Your Reactivity

In some ways, you've got the best of emotional worlds. When emotions rise up from inside you or are brought forth from a conversation by a friend, you know how to engage them. You deal with sadness, fear, joy, anger - whatever comes up - in ways that are perceptive and flexible. You can adapt to whatever level of emotion is appropriate to the moment. At other times, you are able to cope with your emotions in a more reserved manner. Because you are aware of what does and does not make emotional sense in a particular situation, you will decide when it is an appropriate time to express your emotions and when it would be best to keep them to yourself.

All of this gives you a rich emotional life. You are free to express your passions about certain subjects with appropriate people. But you are also emotionally adaptable; if the conversation needs to be more cerebral, you'll keep it "in your head" and talk calmly through whatever issue is on the table. This emotional awareness serves you well. You seldom get in over your head, either by opening up to the wrong person or by triggering in someone else's emotions they may not be able to deal with.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You

When it comes to dealing with emotions we all meet some people with whom we don't match well. You bring a balanced approach to your emotional life. As such, those who are at the extremes are most likely to have a negative reaction to you. Those who live in their emotions may feel you tend to "live in your head" while those who go through life as an emotional rock may feel that you are a bit too "touchy feely" for their approach.

And of course it is always possible that because you do balance your emotional approach to life you may misread others - we all do at times. So there have undoubtedly been those times when you have misread cues and stayed in your head with someone who hoped for a more open emotional approach or you may have opened up emotionally with someone who keeps their emotions bottled up. But these things happen and since you do have a good balance of being in touch with your emotions and not being overly impacted by emotional swings, you undoubtedly are able to adapt.

Another potential problem is that as people get to know you well, they will discover that you have a great balance between emotional expression and emotional control. If they don't have this balance they may wind up envying you. They can't express feelings as well as you, or they are too often out of emotional control and resent you for your ability to cope so well with the very emotions that may trip them up.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You

Many people will be grateful to find a friend like you who can stay in control when emotions verge on chaos, but who can also go into the tangle of emotions when it is safe and appropriate to do so. Because of your ability to engage them at whatever level they are comfortable, to adapt to whatever changes in emotion emerge in the conversation, and to cope so well with all of it - well, they'll be very glad they found a person like you. You may, in fact, wind up as something of an emotional mentor. Your awareness of the emotional temperature of a situation, your ability to adapt to either heat or cold, and your ability to cope with whatever winds up happening in the conversation could be models for them to follow as they come to terms with their own emotional worlds.


Your approach toward your obligations is:

FLEXIBLE

Words that describe you:

* Spontaneous
* Intuitive
* Perceptive
* Natural
* Somewhat Disorganized
* Unpredictable At Times


A General Description of How You Interact with Others

When there's a job to be done, like most people you want to know what the goal is and when it's to be completed. For you, that's a start. Next you want to know what the plan is to get to the goal. So you lay out a plan, or at least the major points of a plan: "Organize the kitchen sometime this spring" or "Get the project at work done as soon as possible." You don't need an in-depth specification of every little detail; in fact you prefer not to work that way. You lay out your goals, develop a general plan, and then you get things done.

You believe in intuition as well as organization. As such, you trust impulses as much as strategies and you value spontaneity as much as you do efficiency. In a word, you like to keep it flexible. When you set out to accomplish a task, you prefer to have some room to maneuver. Like an artist, you find that the best way to reach a goal is not always in a straight line. Some of the most productive times for you are the unplanned moments of inspiration and creativity that just come to you. While you do keep to a general plan, those times of pure vision and originality are what really drive you.

Some of the people who rely completely on an organized approach to getting things done may be surprised at your efficiency. But there is a definite method to your approach. With a creative flair that others may not have anticipated, the original plan gets met and there are often a few extra accomplishments along the way. Your comfort zone starts with a task and a plan but it also requires the freedom to be able to go with your instincts and impulses so that you can not just accomplish the task, you also have the option to explore something brand new along the way.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You

People may have problems with your style for two reasons. First, you don't always follow the rules or go along with detailed plans, whether at work or at home. Those who need the details to stay on task just don't quite understand how you are going to get it all done. Second, while you get things done - the way you veer off course at times and use your creativity may leave others wondering what went on. Some people find all this creativity and thinking "out-of-the-box" at odds with their desire to follow a clear course. And this causes not only some confusion it may also spark some anger toward you at times. Even you would likely admit that living and working with you takes someone who is able to let you do your thing at times. If someone is really tied to a rigid approach to how things should get done, there is clearly the potential for some conflict with you.

Every workplace and home does need a modicum of reliability and a decent amount or order and organization if it is to accommodate the mix of people who work or live there. That leads to a serious question for you: Are there times when your creative, though at times unpredictable, style keeps others off balance? Are there some plans that should be sacred, some space always well organized, some charts left as designed? Are there are some things you could change that would allow those who live and work with you to feel more in control; changes that wouldn't impinge on your creative processes? If others are finding your style to be difficult to deal with you may want to consider how you can all work together most efficiently.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You

The truth is that your work style gets things done, often with more beauty, fun, creativity and imagination than others could ever manage. But your style is very unique to you. Flexibility is essential to your style. With your creativity and flexibility the path you take to any goal can make everyone's accomplishments more inventive and enjoyable. Bringing some extra enjoyment to people's work can be a real asset; one you may want to use more consciously.

Deep down inside there's also another truth you should consider. A lot of people wish they had some of whatever it is that you've got. They get so bogged down reading the committee notes or checking the project calendar that they seldom just cut loose and let their impulses run. They neglect their intuition to the point that it barely whispers - that is, until you come along with yours shouting out loud and remind everyone in the room that there's something to listen to besides the original plan and the orderly, organized path laid out to get there. So not only do you enhance the accomplishments of the group, you also enhance the lives of each member willing to find in themselves the spontaneity that is your trademark personal characteristic.



When it comes to Extraversion you are:

SOMETIMES OUTGOING, SOMETIMES RESERVED

Words that describe you:

* Moderate
* Amiable
* Laid-back
* Temperate
* Relaxed
* Poised
* Civil
* Uncommitted
* Pleasant



A General Description of How You Interact with Others

Lucky you! You enjoy your own company as much as you enjoy the company of others. You are a great conversationalist and thrive in the wonderful kinds of connections you know how to have with your family and friends. You also equally enjoy your own company, whether sitting in a favorite chair with your book and soft music playing or meandering in the woods by yourself. You like coming home to your family or your roommate; but if no one is home, you find quiet, solitary time to be just as pleasurable. What a great combination to enjoy being outgoing and to be just as comfortable being reserved. Lucky you!!

Because you are so amiable and relaxed, you are comfortable with almost any group of family or friends. Whether they are pumped up and lively or calm and subdued, you remain at ease. If someone needs to take over the conversation, you are comfortable taking the lead; you can also lay back and let someone else be in charge. If the conversation gets rowdy, your moderate demeanor will often draw it down to a more temperate level. If someone in the group loses their cool, you will most likely maintain your poise, and if they get nasty you know how to keep a civil tongue.

You may find yourself out of balance on occasion. If you're alone too much, you may need to get in touch with someone. If you spend too much time with your family and friends, you may need to sneak off for a day by yourself, to putter and read and clear your head of the noise of too much conversation. When you're at your best, you live with a rhythm of time with others, time alone, time with others, time alone It's a satisfying, comfortable balance. Lucky you!

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You

You may occasionally run into problems with other people. Since not everyone is as balanced as you are, close friends and family may get frustrated with you, or you with them. They may be more sociable and outgoing, and find you too laid-back and relaxed. They want conversations to be lively and passionate while you keep things amiable and civil. Or others may be more quiet and reserved than you, and when you're in one of your more animated moments they may wish you would back off. You may be ready to put more energy into a conversation than they are comfortable with.

And your balance may be a problem. Other people may be consistently more sociable or more reserved than you, and find you to hard to read, some may even say you ride the fence. Others may find themselves envious of your ability to be outgoing at times, and at other times comfortably reserved. If you pay attention to pick up these cues you will be in a better position to know how you want to interact with such folks.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You

Most people will truly appreciate your flexibility in social situations. They will like you for your amiable warmth and your willingness to engage, and for your ability to sit back and let others take the lead or the spotlight. They will appreciate ways in which you temper what could become intemperate moments; by remaining poised and relaxed when others; temperatures are rising, you keep things civil and sane.

You are as good at listening and following as you are at talking and leading, and people will often appreciate your ability to adapt to the situation. Because you are sometimes outgoing and sometimes reserved, you will make most people comfortable in your presence, and they will truly enjoy your company.

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So... [Mar. 9th, 2009|09:40 pm]
I have a new job, and I love it. I work for a company called HDIS-- Home Delivery Incontinence Supplies. I'm a customer care rep. Its one of those jobs that you leave feeling awesome about what you've done that day, every day. Some of the people who call in for our products or just our advice in general only talk to us about it! It takes a lot of trust to talk to people about such a personal thing. So its more like making friends than selling products. How cool is that?

I'm at the "we've spent half as long being broken up as we spent being together" mark with Bryan. They say it takes about that long to be totally over it... I'm not sure about the totally, but I'm getting there. We still hang out every weekend... that probably throws off the "getting over it" calculations, but up until now I've just wanted to be around him. Lately I've been seeing what REAL friendship is very clearly, and I love it... but it has made me realize that Bryan is not a good friend. I told him if he could figure out how to be, I'd stick around. We'll see.

I went on a date this saturday. Not quite that "over" Bryan yet I guess. But he was a nice boy.

I never told you guys about Dean... he was one of the people in life I was closest to. He taught me so very much... he loved deeply and purely. He died in October. The trial for the drunk/drugged driver who hit him is tomorrow. His son (another love of my heart) has to give a testimony about watching his dad get hit. What a horrible, painful situation on all levels.

Bed time.
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ohhhhhhhhhhhhh whine. [Jan. 27th, 2009|04:37 pm]


its been a month. we still hang out. i still stay over sometimes (only sleeping.) we still laugh, hug, cuddle, and as of lately occasionally kiss. i cannot let him go completely. maybe I could, but i do not want to.

my heart has convinced my head and now the two are teaming up against my soul in efforts to make my whole being believe i am in love with him.

we didn't break up because of misunderstandings. we broke up because we only got together out of loneliness on both of our parts. but it had different effects on both of us. it gave him six months to realize he could not get over the girl he was in love with. and it gave me six months to perfect ignoring the voices that scream inside of me about desperation, compromising, and settling. in the end, i got so good at it that i cannot seem to go back. i've found a lot of beautiful, admirable things about him that i do not want to forget.

so here we are. in this strange quasi-friendship. hanging on to some semblance of what we've come to know as normalcy. he's trying to heal the heart break that is loving someone who doesn't want to be with him. and who knows what the heck i'm doing.

i don't explain all of this to anyone. we don't even discuss it with each other. he didn't even tell me himself about the other girl, its a very new discovery for me. i'm just trying to understand my own thoughts. i would love to talk it out, but i have no reasonable explanation or desire to defend my choice to remain close to him.

i don't know why my lj readers are the ones who get to hear stuff i won't tell my closest friend, but something about this site is just comfortable for me.
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the "break up" [Dec. 15th, 2008|02:45 pm]
I have a really hard time trusting guys... like, Im super crazy untrusting. I've been really distant lately because of the lack of trust. We talked about how I felt like he was still using IMVU (the chat system I first met him on) as an avenue to meet other girls, so he deleted it to prove that he doesn't even use it. Well, this week my stand-off-ness from last weekend finally got to him, and he decided he wanted some space this weekend and time to think. So we weren't talking, and he was going to let me know when he had all his thoughts in order. But last night I saw him sign onto IMVU... which means he installed it again... and I freaked out. I assumed he wanted to break up, without talking to him, and charged my way up to his house to get my things.
I ended up basically trapping him in his own house and demanding answers, long before he had his thoughts in order. So I just assumed he wanted to break up but he didn't really know... then... like, we had a good talk and he said he got back on imvu because he missed his friends and it didn't make me trust him any more to have it deleted. I think we were thinking about how we could work thru it because it was mostly misunderstandings... and then I saw that he had his webcam connected and assumed that meant he really had been messing around with other girls online so I just sat on his bed and cried. then I went to the bathroom and cried. then I went to his room and asked him just to hold me for a lil bit b/c I'm really gonna miss him... and he cried... like he didn't want me to leave and not come back. I don't think he really wanted to break up last night. But then after that he just didn't want to talk anymore and told me it was really not okay for me to attack him like that when he asked for some time alone and was just insistent on my leaving...
I just don't know what's going on now. Sad.
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(no subject) [Nov. 27th, 2008|08:01 pm]
Okay, these are the things I wish were different.

I wish he understood my love for God. I wish he encouraged it because it is something that involves my whole heart to pursue and I feel as tho I have let it go for him, not intentionally but because half of my heart is confused about how to be both. And that... well.. that breaks me. I wish he shared it.

I wish he was more considerate. He has come so far but I wish it came naturally to him. I feel selfish asking him to think of me.

I wish he didn't cuss so much.

I wish he was polite.

I wish he would try to connect with people based on what is important to them, not just him.

I wish we could be closer.

I wish he would show me I can trust him.

I wish he would care a little bit about bettering himself as a person, not just surviving life by going to school and working.

I wish he liked the things I like.

I wish I didn't feel so defensive of him.

I wish I felt like I could present him to my family exactly how he is and feel comfortable with it.

I wish he would give me more space when I need time to think.

Ugh.
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(no subject) [Aug. 2nd, 2008|03:21 pm]
This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again
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soooo [Jul. 22nd, 2008|11:56 pm]
I wonder how okay it is to have a boyfriend and be completely infatuated with someone else...

I know I know, its mostly not. But the boyfriend really isn't so excited about me either, I think, when it comes down to it...

What a silly situation to be in.
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(no subject) [Jun. 28th, 2008|03:21 am]
Seriously?! A hicky?? And a bruised lip. Awesome. This is fan-freakin-tastic.

(not.)

Ugh. biters are ridiculous.
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(no subject) [May. 28th, 2008|12:35 am]
Standing over my garden I look down
And disappointment overcomes me
The tears that formed are
Now falling from my eyes
And watering the ground around me
Lost inside this dissillusion
I hear you say my name

I hear you calling
I hear you calling to me
I hear you calling

Faith, like a flower, needs water and room to grow
Placed in sunlight, not in shadow
Hope that the seed that is
Hidden will rise and bloom
From the heart of one forgiven
Love runs in the living water
I’ve heard you say my name
----------------------------------------------------------------------

its weird to think back on the heart, the hopes, the innocence I once had... its weird to pinpoint exact moments in time that, had I made a different decision, would have drastically changed this moment in time. it makes me feel strange. and sad.
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(no subject) [May. 11th, 2008|10:11 am]
Ok, before I tell you about the amazingness that took place at the Derek Webb/Sandra McCracken concert, I first have to tell you about the show I saw later that night. After Derek and Sandra played, I went to a club in StL called Lemmons, where a friend's friend's friend's band was playing. (The Midwesterns.) They were absolutely phenomenal. I got lost in their music.... It was just two guys-- one on drums, one on guitar... no vocals. I could listen to that guitarist all day and night. I found a youtube video of one of their older songs, I think the vocals take a little something away, but still, the music is good. To understand how I felt about the show, tho, I think you have to experience them live...

ANYWAY.

Sandra McCracken is Derek Webb's wife. She is from my area, so a lot of her family was in the audience Friday. It really made the environment familiar and fun. Sandra played first, with Derek as a second guitar and some harmonies. Then they played songs from the EP they just released together... I found out that my favorite song from the EP, Watch Your Mouth, is the only song they weren't singin about their own lives together. They also cover Bob Dylan's song "If Not For You." Absolutely gorgeous.

Their voices blend together in this fantastic way that I haven't found words to describe yet. They are SO different, she's got a pretty country twang, and he has a sort of gritty smoothness to his voice... I don't think that makes sense. I dunno, but it works. Watching them interact with each other was so fun. And gahh, the way he looks at her... ^_^ Someday... someday.

Derek's set was incredible. He did a lot of talking. I love that. A lot of his songs are about politics, war, and justice. He talked about his song My Enemies are Men Like Me... "peace by way of war is like purity by way of fornication, it’s like telling someone murder is wrong and then showing them by way of execution. I would rather die than take your life. how can i kill the ones i’m supposed to love my enemies are men like me." Someone in the audience asked what inspired this song, and he said "Um, being a Christian." haha. Then he went on to explain that the Bible talks about how there is a time for peace and a time for war, a time to weep, and a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance... etc... and there will also come a time when there will be NO more death, mourning, crying, or pain. Derek put it like this, "You minister with your actions, with your hands. If you want to show someone that the time is coming when there will be no more hunger, you feed the hungry. If you want to show someone that the time is coming when there will be no more thirst, you give the thirsty something to drink. If you want to show someone that there will be a time when there is no more pain or war, you live for Peace, Now."

Last thing about Derek, the last song he played was one most dear to me. Its called "This, too, shall be made right." After hearing him talk about the Enemies song and the passage in Ecclesiastes ("for everything there is a season...") the words to this song really sunk into my heart. This is a youtube video for it... the words can be found here.



This is a painting I made for my friend Carol based on the song and her heart for justice...
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YAY! [May. 8th, 2008|11:41 am]
I'm going to see Derek Webb and Sandra McCracken tomorrow!!

They're playing at my church!!

15 dollars to see my FAVORITE song writer EVER... he impressed me when I was 12 and he's still blowing my mind today with his words. Shoot, yeah.

In honor of this wonderful event, here are some of those words...

King and a Kingdom
(vs. 1)
who's your brother, who's your sister
you just walked passed him
i think you missed her
as we're all migrating to the place where our father lives
'cause we married in to a family of immigrants
(chorus)
my first allegiance is not to a flag, a country, or a man
my first allegiance is not to democracy or blood
it's to a king & a kingdom

(vs. 2)
there are two great lies that i’ve heard:
“the day you eat of the fruit of that tree, you will not surely die”
and that Jesus Christ was a white, middle-class republican
and if you wanna be saved you have to learn to be like Him

(chorus)

(bridge)
but nothing unifies like a common enemy
and we’ve got one, sure as hell
but he may be living in your house
he may be raising up your kids
he may be sleeping with your wife
oh no, he may not look like you think.

Yay.
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(no subject) [May. 4th, 2008|11:18 pm]
The day after I last posted, a very good friend of mine specifically asked about my heart. I got to talk to her about Charles and she responded exactly the way I needed- she listened to me gush about how fantastic he is and how torn I am about the whole thing right now, she oohed and ahhed at just the right moments, and she offered prayer and support. I could not be more thankful for that phone call.

Aside from the friend-weeding and the heart crazies, life has been awfully busy for me lately. My three part time jobs might just turn into one full time position, depending on how my interview goes tomorrow. If I get this job I will be doing reception for a physical therapy business 9-4 Monday thru Friday. Having a dependable job like this could also be a huge help in figuring out my next step for school. I would definitely be staying around St. Louis if this job works out.

I've been reading a lot more lately, too. Mostly just because I started rebelling at work, so instead of doing office work for free at the cafe, I do whatevertheheckIwant... which generally includes reading or internetting. :P Found a few poetry anthologies, currently I'm hooked on William B. Yates. I'm also reading a book called "The Delicate Fade" by Ben Devries. Good stuff!

I don't have much else to say... just felt a little like journaling and figured this was a good place to do it ^_^
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(no subject) [Apr. 29th, 2008|09:44 pm]
When everything is crazy, just remember baby- when its good, it doesn't seem so bad.
(derek webb & sandra mccracken)


------------------------------
Y'know what's hard? Falling for someone who you've not been honest with your closest friends about...

'Cause when the sad parts come on you just have to suck it up and deal... b/c you're not supposed to cry over "just some friend"... who you stayed with for "platonic" week of "hanging out" 3 months ago...

And all you really wanna do is fall asleep in their big comfy bed with their big comfy arms wrapped around you...

But they're almost 3,000 miles away.. in another country... and they've just decided they're not coming back to live 3 hours away from you like they did when you thought it was just way too far. And you're hoping to move half an hour away from that place soon, and they won't be there...

So it just (seems to be) a big, fat, ugly "STOP" sign when you thought things were just getting started.

And you don't get a single freaking hug to comfort you.

Eff.
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(no subject) [Apr. 29th, 2008|10:51 am]
I spend a good deal of my time defending myself to people... my thoughts, actions, heart... etc... And I just realized right now that that time is actually spent mostly defending myself to me.

I'm (almost) an open book. I tell a lot of people a lot of things. I describe in detail. I give every bit of history I know. I explain my entire thought process and each little event along way.

Then, after hearing my description of whatever situation I'm in, people comment. Since I'm usually being stupid (I will deny it then, but not now) the comment is usually something like "That's stupid." My automatic response is, "they don't know, really." BUT, they do! Because I make sure they do! Their views are based off of MY words. So, I think that their views are actually my views and I just keep it a secret from myself.

Its like a math problem I'm working on in my head, I have all the variables and I know the formulas, but I just ignore the answer all together. And just like a math problem, if I tell someone else all the information I have they can figure it out just the same as I would. But I get stuck on the solution, because if I even have the nerve to try and work through the numbers, I find answers I don't like and I keep trying to work something else out of it...

Its as if I think the solution isn't directly related to the problem! Isn't that WEIRD?! Not everything is as subjective as I'd like to think. Generally there is a simple truth... especially if all the people I explain myself to have the same sort of answers for me. But I just keep on trying to change the outcome by doing the same thing over and over.

I think, most likely, that this qualifies me as a Crazy.

Just thought I'd share.
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what is not love [Apr. 22nd, 2008|09:36 am]
What looks like failure is success
and what looks like poverty is riches
when what is true looks more like a knife
it looks like you’re killing me
but you’re saving my life

chorus
but i give myself to what looks like love
and i sell myself for what feels like love
and i pay to get what is not love
and all just because i see things upside down

what looks like weakness can do anything
and what looks like foolishness is understanding
when what is powerful has not come to fight
it looks like you’re going to war
but you lay down your life

chorus

what looks like torture is a time to rejoice
what sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
when what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
and i say i don’t know you
but you say it’s finished
when what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
and i say i don’t know you
but you say it’s finished

----------------------

Derek Webb sings these words. I live them.
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Ok, this is really good news. [Apr. 17th, 2008|10:30 am]
[Current Mood | excited]

I think I'm done with jerks. :D
I all of the sudden have very little tolerance for them.
Absolutely no understanding for whatever "complicated situation" any of them are in.
I have recently developed high standards (this is a first for me.)
If someone cannot manage to treat me with respect and kindness when they DON'T want something from me, I certainly will not be putting any effort into giving what they want when they do decide to buddy up.
I will not be used. Figuring out that I was is a big wake up call.
I'm gonna start calling "friends off", and I'm pretty freaking excited about it.
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(no subject) [Apr. 15th, 2008|08:08 pm]
sunny days are really the worst to be lonesome during. that feeling is no fun to begin with, and when it feels like its completely going against the possible goodness of a day, its even worse.

Tomorrow night I'm going out for a coffee date. I'm looking forward to that.

I want to leave. I don't want to be around people I have to explain myself to anymore. This comes tonight from not being able to do what I want because I'd rather not deal with the negative reactions from my friends... it also comes from the build up of frustration from living with my parents and my readiness for my mother to not think she's involved in every aspect of my life.

I wish I was hanging out with someone cooler than me. haha... My thoughts are all jacked up and confused... hearing someone else's thoughts sounds like it'd be more fun.
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(no subject) [Apr. 14th, 2008|12:46 pm]
His condo has wifi, and his fancy schmancy lil phone picks it up. I cannot describe the happiness in my heart :D
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sad day. [Apr. 6th, 2008|03:10 pm]
[Current Mood | gloomy]

Charles is my closest friend. Not in distance, as he lives 4 hours away, but in heart. He is also quite good for cuddles and kisses. We talk a few times a day, for long times. He's my good morning and my goodnight.

Charles is moving to Belize for a month.

Now, no real communication for a month. He's hoping he'll find an internet cafe somewhere, otherwise its all snail mail. At the end of the month his boss will tell him if he needs to stay longer, perhaps through the entire summer.

I had planned a trip to see him again at the end of this month. Its been 2 months since I saw him and that felt ridiculously long. Just found out he leaves Thursday. I won't be able to see him before he leaves.

I am so sad. I feel awful being so sad since its such a good opportunity for him. Not to mention, it took so much for us to get this close, to trust eachother this much... I'm pretty nervous about it changing by the time he ever gets back.

What in the world will I do without this special friend? :(

cry.
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